by Gena-mour Barrett
1. Consistently forgetting to bring a plastic bag from your bag of bags at home and having to buy a new one at the supermarket.
2. Trying to hold the lift door open for someone and not realising you’re furiously tapping the “close door” button.
3. Coming back to your office after a holiday and pretending you “forgot” to buy treats when you actually couldn’t be arsed.
4. Promising someone you’d get the next drink and leaving before you could get round to buying them one.
5. Putting a measly 20p worth of coins in the pot for a leaving present, just so the sound makes it seem as if you’ve given more money than you have.
6. Walking past street fundraisers as if you have somewhere very important to go when you you’re actually just walking to Pret.
7. Pretending you can’t hear someone because you have your headphones on, even though you haven’t had your music on for the last hour.
8. Accidentally opening the door on someone who hasn’t locked the toilet door properly and thinking about how you must have ruined their day.
9. Entering a shop with something you just bought and having to really overcompensate to prove you haven’t stolen it from there.
10. Lying to the hairdresser that you like your hair when really you want to cry and never go out in public again.
11. Leaving your bag on the seat next to you until the very last minute, even though people who do that are the absolute worst.
12. Not hearing someone after asking them to repeat what they said three times and just laughing along.
13. Doing a poo in the toilets at work and having your colleague Linda go in after you.
14. Pretending you didn’t see someone’s message after two days when you saw it after two minutes and couldn’t be arsed to reply.
15. Saying sorry to someone who bumped into you and spending the next ten minutes wondering why you apologised.
16. Being the last person ready to order at a restaurant when the rest of the group has already decided.
17. Having to answer a phone call in a quiet train carriage.
18. Not having your ticket before getting to the barriers and having a queue of angry, busy people wait for you to fiddle around in your coat.
19. Remembering someone’s face but not remembering their name, so having an entire conversation petrified that you’ll be asked what it is.
20. Walking towards someone on the same side of the road and doing that weird awkward dance all Brits do to get past each other.
21. Accidentally pressing the button on the bus too early and making the bus driver stop for no reason.
22. Spending too long bagging your groceries after the cashier’s said your total and getting in a right tizz about it.
23. And then taking ages to put your money back in your wallet while the next person stares.
24. Accepting a terribly made cup of tea from someone and painfully gulping it down out of pity.
25. Removing your card too quickly from the machine and having to start the transaction all over again.
26. Eating your McDonalds on the train and stinking up the whole carriage.
27. Having to ask for assistance at the self checkout area for the fifth time.
28. Bumping into someone you know and agreeing to go for a drink knowing full well you’d rather die.
29. Accidentally playing music out loud on your phone.
30. Suddenly realising you don’t want that packet of biscuits after shopping around and leaving it somewhere completely out of the way, like the fish section.
31 Meeting someone for the first time and going in for a hug when they only wanted to shake your hand.
32. Saying a heartfelt, wholesome goodbye and then walking the same way as the other person.
33. Only having your card in a place that clearly has “CASH ONLY” marked on every wall.
34. Walking around a shop when you know you’re not going to buy anything.
35. Making any sort of formal complaint, ever.
36. Except about the weather. All weather complaints are allowed.